January 17, 2004

The Awful Truth

For many months now, I have been investigating a very unusual phenomenon, and having drawn my conclusions, I feel it is imperative that I share my findings with the populace at large. Despite the severity of my inferences, this is not the time for tact or subtleties, so I'm just going to say it: little kids are whack!. They look like humans, more or less, but don't let their clever disguises deceive you. While displaying all physical attributes traditionally associated with the human species, they behave in a manner which is incomprehensible, unpredictable, and indeterminate. Having had numerous close encounters (of the third kind) in the last few months, I can now confidently say that the little kids are probably one of the scariest things out there in that big, bad world!

Much of our day-to-day interactions are based on reason, rationale, and the fundamental belief that people are not collectively whack. While this is not necessarily a sound assumption even for adult humans, as the 1928 Kellogg-Briand Pact to outlaw war will tell us, it is in general a safe assumption to work from. Well, in the case of kids—all theories are out the window. Kids don't play by the same rules! They don't listen to reason. They don't behave rationally. They don't adhere to the "not fundamentally whack" principle. They make noise, yell crazily, fall down all the time, are constantly dirty, spill drinks all over themselves, cry foolishly, and say stupid stuff. They can't be trusted with anything!

Kids are not the only ones who are whack. Babies are whack too! In fact, babies are even more whack than little kids, if that's possible. How can you say that, Rohit? Babies are so cute! No they are not, you despicable moron! They're only cute in small (I mean REALLY small) doses. Not only do they smell and do outrageous stuff like shit in their pants, but they also cry unstoppable and for no justifiable reason! If someone stomps on your foot and you're a pathetic wimp—you cry. If someone hurts your feelings and you're a pitiful idiot—you cry. If someone dumps you and you're lame—you cry. You do not cry for NO reason! But babies do—they just cry. Why are you crying, you mini-human being? The only response: MORE CRYING! Why the HELL are you crying? STOP IT. What's wrong with you? Oh wait! You can't even tell us what's wrong because you won't stop crying! Dammit!

So with a heavy heart, I must put forth my decision concerning my own future children. I will not be speaking to them for the first ten years of their lives. I will only begin to speak with them once they turn ten, because it is at this age that kids begin to behave in a semi-acceptable fashion and can be treated like normal people. It's not as bad as it sounds. I'm not a terrible person. I'm just looking out for my own sanity. I figure, if my wife and I split the time evenly—her the first ten years, me the latter ten—it will all work out in the end. She can deal with the crying and the illogical behavior and the shitting in one's pants and I'll deal with the teenage angst, drug and alcohol abuse, and the birds and the bees. Arguably, there maybe some awkward moments when the kids notice me but I refuse to acknowledge them because they are not old enough, or when one kid is older than ten but another is not, so one gets acknowledged but the other doesn't, but this is just a price that has to be paid. There is no other option.

Now some people have argued that I am a total hypocrite because I too was once a child and even a baby, and I concur that if that was true, I would be a total hypocrite. But the fact of the matter is that I am fairly certain I was never a kid and especially not a baby. It's impossible that I could have been that irrational or illogical and I vehemently deny all allegations to that effect. Others bring up notions of proof that they have that I was a baby at one point—well I'm just going to address that so-called evidence right now. In that picture, I'm wearing a beanie! Totally thuggin', right?