October 24, 2003
Amorphous Rage
The ninth week of the semester, especially the fall semester, has always been a time when an intense and inexplicably hatred seems to overcome me. I had thought that with only 14 units and three real classes, perhaps I would not experience this wonderfully awful feeling this semester. However, Fall 2003 has proved to be no different than either Fall 2002 or Fall 2001, as I am right now completely and utterly drowning in anger and hatred. The worst part is, it isn't even directed at anyone or anything specifically. I just woke up this morning and I was angry. I didn't know why. I still don't. And now I can't stop being angry. I have a problem. Someone help me. Please?
It all started out, as all bad things usually do, at around 6:30am this morning when the building began to vibrate and the grating noise of metal sliding on metal threatened to rupture my eardrums. No, it wasn't an earthquake. It was just the construction beginning across the street. What they were doing was beyond me. The first thought that came to my mind as I transcended subconsciousness was "Shit! Construction!" What a great way to start the morning - with feces on the mind! I actually yelled it outloud, I was so frustrated. I wanted to get out of bed, open my window and yell "SHUT THE $*@# UP! I HATE YOU! STOP DRILLING HOLES IN THE GROUND! IT'S POINTLESS!!!!" but decided that it would be unwise to loose the warmth that my blanket was offering me over something so futile. As I was in the shower, I tried to sort out my misplaced rage. It wasn't really the construction - the stupid, shitty construction had been going on for weeks now. I was mad for some other reason, but I couldn't place my finger on it.
As the day progressed, I continued to be angry. I kept searching for the cause, or even an outlet, but it wouldn't come to me. I couldn't just be mad at the bums for being annoying, or for stupid people being stupid. This was a different sort of rage, very pointed, but paradoxically dissolute and amorphous at the same time. I hated everything, but nothing. I hated everyone, but no one. Maybe it was school - but running through my rather meager schedule, I realized that I did not hate any class I was taking, and actually looked forward to lectures in my MCB & English classes. Maybe it was the RA gig - maybe living in the dorms was getting to my head, I thought to myself. But when I returned home, I felt no animosity towards the dorms or anyone I met. It was definitely not the dorms causing my anger.
Having discussed this matter with numerous people today, I have to conclude that the rage is just a result of the burnout phenomonen that I know all too well, and it makes perfect sense that it should afflict me nine weeks into the semester. More than half way through the semester, and with no long weekend to look forward to until Thanksgiving, it seems only natural that I should be feeling burned out. The manifestation is of slight concern, as inexplicable anger is never cool, but I suppose everyone deals with burnout differently. Some people get depressed and lose motivation. I get super angry and want to break things. It's all good. All I have to do is learn to apply my anger to productive purposes. You know - like working out and shit. Or perhaps, starting a career as a serial killer, as Lizzy suggested tonight. She said I should start out with animals, and even pointed out two that I should attempt to hurt. I'm not so sure about that. It's not really my style. Hopefully, this anger passes before I begin to expand my horizons.