November 30, 2002

Sidewalk Rage

Everywhere I go, I am plagued by slow people. When I was in high school (and was able to drive), it was slow drivers, slow pedestrians, slow people everywhere. And it always seemed that whatever I was doing, and wherever I was, there was always an idiot who thought that driving 25 mph was cool right in front of me. So, I get to Berkeley, and well, I don't have a car, so I walk everywhere. And STILL I AM PLAGUED BY SLOW PEOPLE, now WALKING in front of me, in big herds, fat asses jiggling, blocking off the sidewalk and preventing me from getting where I want to go at the speed I want to go. Isn't there a right lane for fat ass, slow moving morons on sidewalks??

Well—there should be. If you want to walk slow, or if your excessive eating prevents you from going any faster, it's cool: just move over to the right—faster traffic on the left!!! But instead, just huge walls and clusters of slow moving people. I move left, there is a slow moving person; I move right, there is a slow moving person; I jump into the street, there is a slow moving hobo with a dog in the way. GREAT!!! I come home, go to the mall (I grant you, it was South Coast Plaza on the day after Thanksgiving, but still), and there are enough people there to make an ant or a bee feel claustrophobic. As it is, moving is pretty slow just because of the number of bodies between you and your destination. Add to it little kids that can't just be brutally run over, although they tend to get in the way more so than adults, and you've got a pretty big slow down. But that doesn't stop the slow idiots who reign supreme, walking in their herds, chatting away with their other slow friends about inane topics such as holiday shopping and the latest style for Winter 2002/2003.

I tried to attempt a cluster breaker maneuver where I use my purchases to plow through the crowds, but then people just looked at me like I've lost my mind. You mean you don't want to walk slow in order to waste time and making the arduous shopping process longer than it is? Why ever not? After that, I just resigned myself to the fact of life. Slow, fat people will always win, if not because of their determination, then because of their sheer size, which could easily prevent fast-walking, normal-sized people such as myself who only want to utilize their abilities. But you must realize this: if time is money, and walking slowly wastes time, then that means the slow-moving population of the world wastes my money, and considering that I value money more than anything else, I hate them more and more with every passing moment!