October 14, 2005

It's a Family Thing

I'm sure that this summer when I said my final goodbyes to those nearest and dearest to me in Berkeley (i.e., the illustrious Berkeley bums), many of you shed a silent tear (or if you're fond of grandpa's cough syrup like I am, poured out a shot) to acknowledge the end of an era. With my departure from Berkeley, gone were the days of irrational ranting and inexplicable anger directed at the pestilence known as Berkeley's homeless community. And while my encounters in San Francisco may have brought some solace, I would imagine that the troubling little voice in the back of your mind (no, not your conscience, morons) must have kept on reiterating: It will never, ever be the same again! Well, friends, for all of you who lamented my departure, not for my presence or personality, but for my writing, there is a pinhole of light in the otherwise dark and encompassing abyss known as life.

But, how can it be? you might ask, with gesticulations of incredulity to match. Well, I am very proud to announce that hating on bums is very much a family thing, and in a stroke of uncanny luck, my little sister just started at Cal. Bullshit! you might exclaim. No one can beat the real deal! Well, for all you skeptics out there, I provide you with a recent AIM conversation I had with my sister as evidence that I lie not:

rEvLiTe23: so i saw this sign on a post
rEvLiTe23: about samurai swordfighting lessons
rEvLiTe23: if i took lessons
rEvLiTe23: i could slay for the good of the community!
nAfNiTe: kill bums with samurai swords?
rEvLiTe23: you're right, it's too noble for them
rEvLiTe23: nah it's more likely that i'll just put up with them silently
rEvLiTe23: until my last day here in berkeley
rEvLiTe23: and then i'll just start screaming wildly at one in the middle of the day
rEvLiTe23: while surrounded by lots of ppl, so it can't attack me
rEvLiTe23: it
rEvLiTe23: HAHA
rEvLiTe23: i don't know how people can pity the bums
rEvLiTe23: it's not like they're nice people or anything

Not yet convinced? Well, how about this conversation, on another occasion:

rEvLiTe23: oh don't even start with the bums
rEvLiTe23: i'm going to start killing them
rEvLiTe23: SOON
rEvLiTe23: i figure if i get stressed enough, i'll snap
rEvLiTe23: i'll just have to time it
rEvLiTe23: so that i'm around the bums
rEvLiTe23: at the time
rEvLiTe23: but they're like EVERYWHERE here
rEvLiTe23: so it doesn't really matter
rEvLiTe23: i'll just study till i'm frazzled, drink like seven cups of coffee and eat a bag of yogurt covered raisins
rEvLiTe23: and then run out into the street with my swiss army knife
rEvLiTe23: (all attachments out)

See what I mean? I'm so proud! Can you imagine the blogs? I can't wait! If there's anyone I would want to carry on the proverbial torch, it would be my sister. I can't think of a more qualified candidate. What can I say? It's in the genes! Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen. The launch of my sister's web site and the return of angry rants against Berkeley bums is only weeks away! Plus, she's a significantly more skilled writer than me, so you can even have eloquence instead of my usual inarticulateness.